Friday, 3 January 2014

New year, old demons

Every day that I live, every person that I meet, every reaction to what I say or do - all confirm to me what I already suspect: I'll never be understood by those around me.

I feel extremely out of place amongst most of my contemporaries, and even those who I'm closest to can't comprehend the extent of my difference to them all. Of course, this isn't to say I'm better looking or smarter or more ambitious than they are. I'm just in a totally different place to where everyone else is. Whatever that means, I haven't got a clue.

I'm burdened by the weight of my own thoughts. I can't even follow a coherent sequence of thoughts in order to jot them down.

I don't think I'll ever find a place or a person who'll unlock a vault of happiness so far invisible to me. Rather, I'm fully aware of how only I can find my own path to being happy. I must immerse myself in things that make me happy, surround myself by people who understand me, read books that speak to me.

The new year has not ushered in a whole raft of self-improving resolutions aimed at yanking me away from the ever-encroaching tentacles of life. Instead, I am hoping that the new year earmarks the beginning of my phase of literary productivity. I don't really care about speaking to people who'll nod in sympathetic agreement. I want to transfer my thoughts from brain to book and hope that, one day, someone will read it and feel as if I'd articulated what the reader is feeling.

Till then, I shall keep writing.

Saturday, 7 December 2013

Madiba 'Mourned'

The world was caught completely off guard by news of Nelson Mandela's passing. The fact that he was living out his ninth decade may have softened the blow for some, myself included, but my initial reaction scarcely extended beyond the acceptance of what's inevitable, and the hope that humanity would, for once, learn a thing or two from this great man's life.

Within a matter of minutes, though, any hopes I had momentarily and naively harboured were quickly dashed as I, along with almost everyone in the Western world, was treated to a spectacle of amateurish play-acting. The fervent fawning was perhaps a last-gasp attempt to make us forget that Mandela had been, until 2008, labelled a "terrorist" by some of the statesmen now queuing up to heap posthumous praise. What further ground my guts was the media's transforming of a man of solid, radical principles (countless examples of which were compiled by my namesake's latest Huff Puff) into a saintly celebrity of global, era-defining proportions. The blanket coverage was choke-full of gushing tributes that deftly blanked out the slightly crucial detail of what he really spent his entire life opposing. In doing so, major media outlets had produced a series of obituaries with a narrative that would not have pleased Madiba unless he'd undergone a lobotomy on the sly. Admittedly, he was only fighting minor remnants of centuries of colonial arrogance, as Musa Okwonga eloquently put it, so choosing not include this in an obituary is understandable given the restrictions of time/space that journalists must adhere to these days.

Our grim world is full of hypocrites who will try, and fail, to morph the late South African president into a poster boy. He may have become so in the eyes of the historically amnesic; for the rest of us, however, he is lesson upon lesson in humility, perseverance and unequivocal rejection of oppression no matter who this oppression is meted out against.

Friday, 6 December 2013

Seven Years

In April 2006, I started this blog with a wild, faint hope of being spotted by a web-savvy journalist who would have stumbled here as he/she trawled through the dozens of Iraqi blogs that were sprouting at the time. The idea was that said journalist would write a feature on me, and then his/her editor would have been so impressed by my talent and ambition that I would be contacted soon afterwards by a number of reputable publications vying for my byline. None of that happened, of course. In fact, this far-fetched dream, whilst sounding like a Hollywood PG script, was not as big a deal to me as the above paragraph may suggest.

I began writing here as a way of communicating the mix the angst and awe that most eighteen year-olds feel. The months that followed were pivotal in my life, and this serene place proved an invaluable retreat that allowed me to make sense of it all: it became my sanctuary, my safe place. In it, I was able to express myself freely and without fear of being interrupted, as I so often am, or judged. The vastness of the world wide web offered a buffer from life's single and most potent threat; people. Weirdly, those whose judgement and criticism I had braced myself for were, more or less, the ones who encouraged me to keep writing. And so I did.

That said, I must confess a great deal of guilt towards this blog. The past couple of years have seen its level of new material plummet till it almost became defunct. In my meek defence, I've been very preoccupied by the endless chores and challenges -for want of a better word- my strange life keeps throwing at me. Chief amongst these is my degree whose commencement was announced with measured but heartfelt jubilation just over seven years ago. It is with mixed feelings that I am finally able to inform my few but oh so dear readers that the degree is -at long, long last- finished, and I am days away from donning the bizarre mortar board to signal the completion of an immeasurably fruitful stage of my life. The turning points that have taken place during these seven years are too many to list in one post. I suppose sifting through the archive may give you a few clues as to what I'm alluding to; but, whilst it was all happening at mystifying speed, I had never stopped wanting to come back here to jot down a few hundred words about what I was saw and how I felt.

Here's to the next seven years of living, loving and writing all about it here.

Incidentally, seven is my favourite number. It sounds pensive, unassuming and keeps itself to itself. I'm the seventh child in my family and one of my favourite Norah Jones songs is called Seven Years, hence the title.

Friday, 8 November 2013

Ashura - Visual Narratives of Blood and Belief

Having read an excellent account of Ashura commemorations in Beirut, I was reminded of a report I wrote as part of my university degree a while ago. I decided to publish it and see what people make of what I make of Ashura, visually, at least. 

Background and introduction:
On the tenth day of Muharram, the first month of the Islamic calendar, Muslims around the world mark the anniversary of the battle of Karbala. The battle took place in 680AD near the city of Karbala in Iraq, between the forces of Yazid bin Muawiyah, the Umayyad caliph, and Hussain bin Ali, grandson of Mohammed, the prophet of Islam. The latter’s army was vastly outnumbered and suffered, in strict military terms, a heavy defeat. However, to the 200 million or so Shia Muslims around the world (1), it was a resounding victory for true Islam. To Shia Muslims, Hussain’s martyrdom represents a symbol of sacrifice in the struggle for right against wrong, and for justice and truth against wrongdoing and falsehood. (2)
Though it has been an intrinsic part of Shia Muslims’ belief and practice for centuries, the commemoration of Ashura has only come to the anthropological fore alongside the technological advent of the twentieth century and, particularly, the rise of photography. In this report, I will examine a number of visual representations of Ashura and assess the extent to which these representations have affected the collective understanding of Ashura as an event, its legacy, practice and political significance. Specifically, I will look at the role of the body in this understanding and how photographs of Ashura commemorations have focused on the body as a means of contextualising the ritual. In order to deliver a comprehensive analysis of this rather specific subject, it is necessary that I shed light on its historical background and contemporary significance before I shift my focus to the camera lense and assessing its role in understanding Ashura.

The historical roots of Ashura commemorations go back to the event itself. Upon the defeat of Hussain and subsequent captivity of his family and relatives who were with him, his sister, Zaineb bint Ali, was amongst those who were paraded through a number of towns and cities, till they reached Damascus, the Umayyads’ capital city. There, she set up the very first majlis ta’ziyah – a gathering of mourners to remember the tragedy of Ashura through elegies and sermons in honour of Hussain bin Ali and the others who were killed in the battle of Karbala. For Shia Muslims, setting up similar majalis ta’ziyah became highly recommended by way of showing respect to Hussain, his grandfather, Prophet Mohammed, and God. Such gatherings are held throughout the year but participation significantly increases during Muharram. In any place in the world where there are Shia Mulisms, you are likely to find some sort of majlis ta’ziyah. For those who are able to travel, visiting Hussain’s shrine during this month is a particularly sought pilgrimage. Millions of mourners from all over the world flock to Iraq to pay their respects. They would walk for days, many of them on bare feet, from neighbouring cities until they reach Karbala and the golden-domed shrine which, for the duration of the month, swaps the red flag atop it with a black one (Fig: 1 and Fig: 2). Innumerable majalis ta’ziyah are held during this month, all infusing emotional story-telling with angst over modern-day political challenges. In the process, they reinforce a sense of community amongst Shias and a distinct sectarian identity as distinguished from their Sunni counterparts (Nakash: 1993). The air of sorrow, grief and remembrance reaches a powerful climax on the tenth day, Ashura (the word ‘Ashura’ is derived from Ashra, number ten in Arabic.), when several activities take place to mark the occasion. These include re-enactments of the events of Ashura (Fig: 4), the recitation of a latmiyya where an elegy is read and the mourners beat their chests in unison to a specific rhythm. Often mourners add to the chest-beating by using chains with which they hit their backs (Fig: 3), sometimes removing their tops so that the chains hit the skin directly (Fig 9). Shia mourners of the Indian subcontinent go as far as attaching curved blades to their chains (such chains are known as zanjeer) to ensure that cuts are made and bloody wounds are inflicted (Fig: 8). In addition, there are readings of various passages from the Quran and supplications in honour of Hussain. However, the most controversial of these activities, one that will feature prominently in this report, is tatbeer. This involves hitting one’s head with a sharp object (knife, sword, blade, etc) so as to make a small cut and let blood flow on one’s face, neck and body. In some Shia communities, tatbeer is a private affair that isn’t performed in public. In others, it is an anticipated highlight for which entire streets are cleared for the participants and onlookers. Nonetheless, it has retained its controversial nature and has become one of the most contested subjects in Islamic scholarly debate. Some have even denounced the act and prohibited its practice (3). Critics argue that this public display of exaggerated grief is a far cry from the ideals and principles for which Hussain fought and died. Islamic views of tatbeer aside, the aim of this report is to examine Ashura commemorations as whole from an anthropological perspective.
If I were to look at Ashura commemorations through the traditional anthropological prism which my Western education has provided me with, I will no doubt fall short of presenting a true account of what it represents. What distinguishes anthropology from other social sciences is that it admits lacking absolute knowledge of its subjects. Having said that, it is pertinent to consider non-‘academic’ dimensions and understandings when attempting to grasp a particular subject on which little or no work has been carried out previously. To the onlooker – anthropologist or otherwise – visual representations of Ashura commemorations cause unease. A photograph which I have reluctantly included show a man carrying a small boy, presumably his son, whose face is drenched in blood having (involuntarily, I would imagine) just taken part in tatbeer. My reluctance stems from the fact that its inclusion would, at the very least, shock the viewer, making it doubly difficult to explain that Ashura commemorations are a great deal more than what a photograph is able to convey. Unless we take a more wholesome approach to photographs and the limited extent to which they mirror humans and actions, they will have the unintended effect of removing the medium of bodily movement itself from serious consideration as a component of social action (Farnell: 1994). Visual evidence by itself has sparked horror amongst authorities in Britain and has led to the arrest and conviction of a participant who, it is alleged, forced his teenage sons to take part in “flogging.” (4) As someone who has taken part in Ashura commemorations from a very early age, I’m in the privileged position of being able to analyse them in a way that would avoid polemics and combine rigorous methodology with first-hand experience of what actually takes place in these photographs. In a way, my report is a retrospective ethnography. Extensive personal experience will, hopefully, allow me to sidestep traditional stumbling blocks which anthropologists have identified throughout the discipline’s evolution. An example of the potential pitfalls of visual anthropology, a still photograph in particular, is Evans-Pritchard’s caption under one of the images included in his ethnography of the Nuer (Evans-Pritchard: 1987). It reads ‘Movement in the Wedding Dance’, raising more questions about the dance and what these movements are than it actually attempts to demonstrate.
Visual material – Tears of Imam Hussain and Ten Days:
For several years, I had heard of plans by filmmakers to make a documentary about Ashura to shine a light on an important Islamic festival that is often misrepresented and misunderstood. In 2008, when Syed Mustafa Zaidi, a Pakistani Shia from Manchester, was arrested for encouraging his two young sons to whip themselves with chains that had curved blades – it was clear that such documentary was much-needed. The BBC was amongst several news outlets whose reporting of the incident was summative and, I would argue, inaccurate. However, to the layman, it was a startling insight into a macabre world. It was yet another example of Ashura being bandied around the internet and media outlets for the wrong reasons. If you type in Ashura into Google or YouTube, the first several pages of results will be images and videos of tatbeer with very little explanation as to what these rituals mean and why people would take part in them.
To my relief, two filmmakers have so far gone to the trouble of producing documentaries that have been the closest any camera has come yet to capturing Ashura commemorations in their entirety, rather than tatbeer alone. Michel Tabet’s Les larmes d’Hussein (The Tears of Imam Hussein) is a 55-minute film shot entirely Nabatieh, a city in the Lebanese south, for the duration of Ashura commemorations. There was little interaction with the camera, and participants in the commemorations were portrayed in their very own surroundings, taking part in centuries-old ceremonies. Interestingly, the filming coincided with the international outrage over the infamous caricatures depicting Prophet Mohammed in a Danish newspaper Jyllands-Posten. In one of the scenes in the documentary, the preacher of a large mosque tells his congregation that Imam Hussain’s struggle was to preserve true Islam, a religion that advocated peace and ensured the dignity of followers of all religions. The Danish caricatures, he declared, were an example of what Imam Hussain stood against and outrage amongst Muslims was justified –necessary, even– given the level of scrutiny Muslims have had to endure in the post-9/11 world. The congregation was energised by the preacher’s words and began chanting, “Our dignity shall not be compromised!” in a scene that juxtaposed religious belief with political and ideological defiance. Here, we see an example of how an essentially religious phenomena being adapted for the political arena within the context of Ashura. (Chelkowski: 1985)
In Nadeem Kazmi’s Ten Days, the filmmaker travels to Punjab, Pakistan –a wholly different cultural setting in comparison to Nabatieh – and documents the ten days over which Ashura commemorations take place. The film is divided into ten segments, a dedicating a segment for each day, with detailed coverage of a particularly important period for Pakistani Shias. In contrast to Michel Tabet’s film, Ten Days pays closer attention to the “self-flagellation”, but deftly refrains from coming across as indulgent. Although it contains more graphic footage than Tabet’s documentary, Kazmi’s film transcends the relatively limited realm of documentary-making and verges on becoming a visual ethnography as it encapsulates the setting of Ashura commemorations as well painting a vivid description of the participants. Both films are immensely relevant to gaining a realistic insight into Ashura, though they unintentionally focus on different themes; in Nabatieh there is an overriding air of political anger, whereas Punjab is portrayed in scenes laced with emotive nauha (poetry recitation in a sorrowful but melodic tune), giving the ceremonies a more serene feel.
What I found in both films is that Ashura commemorations, whilst culturally specific, transcend political boundaries and unite Shia Muslims the world over. The forms of expressing grief differ from one individual to another but the grief itself is similar. A single narrative of sorrow and devotion underpins religious commemorations amongst a multitude of political and ideological backgrounds, culminating in a ritual that binds believers across borders and languages.
Ashura has retained significant political weight, both as a symbol of resistance and as clear signifier of identity. For instance, Hasan Nasrallah, the leader of Hezbollah, the Lebanese militant group and political party, has made a habit of making televised appearances on the day of Ashura (Fig: 7). As well as appearing to pay his respects, such appearances serve to reaffirm his political and ideological stance by making a public pledge of allegiance to Hussain bin Ali, and committing to fighting injustices, as Hussain did. Leaders of other countries with large Shia populations make similar appearances such as Mahmoud Ahmedinejad of Iran and Nouri al-Maliki of Iraq. Ashura is a historical clash of political and moral stances. Fourteen centuries later, it continues to have political and ideological significance.
Another important aspect that Ashura commemorations seek to highlight is the role played by women in Karbala, and their role in a wider context. Zaineb bint Ali, Hussain’s sister, is considered one of the greatest women in Islam for her bravery and stoicism during the fearful battle of Karbala and her subsequent captivity. Her qualities are re-told with utmost respect and used as a lesson for Muslim women to learn. In Ashura commemorations, women play an important role and make up a significant proportion of attendance (Fig: 5 and 6). They take part in the recitation of elegies and some even participate in tatbeer (Fig: 11)
Analysis:
Anthropological and philosophical definitions of the body have, in the latter stages of the twentieth century, undergone a radical overhaul that was partly triggered by Foucault’s critique of traditional body classifications. In his wake, bodies are understood as, amongst several things, ‘docile’ objects that act as arenas on which political and social struggles are fought (Foucault: 1995). His theory affected numerous strands of social science and helped expose the ethnocentricity that had, until then, permeated Western spoken-language-centred approaches to systems of meaning (Farnell: 1994).
It is highly relevant to consider Foucault’s position as a starting point to understanding the role, implication and overall significance of the body in the context of Ashura. Not only does the evocation of the tragedy of Karbala centre on the brutal bodily suffering of Hussain and his companions, the participating mourners’ bodies are used, on several occasions, to accentuate the collective grief of Shias throughout the world. The beating of chests, the loud crying when the story of Karbala is re-told, the sense of collective euphoria that grips mourners – all bodily reactions – consolidate the idea that suffering on the plains of Karbala is almost replicated in Nabtieh or Punjab or anywhere else where the Ashura commemorations take place. The carnage that took place nearly 1400 years ago is still fresh in Shias’ memories, and their bodies serve as proof of this ideological and religious loyalty. To some, the pinnacle of such affirmation is reached through a quasi-re-enactment of Ashura and the extreme physical pain inflicted by tatbeer. Though others may frown upon it, tatheer is arguably the closest replication of Ashura there is. The mental duress it requires and the physical strain it bears may not be as great as it would seem at first, but the mourners’ body is transported  – metaphorically, I should stress – to another time and another place, and so its psychological effects are significant. The body remains firmly posited wherever tatbeer is taking place, but the mourner does edge closer to empathising with the suffering of Hussain and his companions. If Clifford Geertz were to look at Ashura commemorations and tatbeer in particular, he would no doubt point to it and say that it is an irrefutable example of the paradoxical way in which religion views suffering: Hussain may have lost on the day of Ashura, but to anyone who believes in his message and his cause, he is the victor, and his tragedy has become a lesson in how to suffer. (Geertz: 1973). Although the very idea is religiously perverse, I would go further by adding that it is clear from the way in which mourners sit facing the pulpit in order to listen to a story they know by heart bears close resemblance to the seating plans of churches, classrooms and, as Foucault points out, prisons – all venues of explicit exercises of power, control and indoctrination. (Foucault: 1995)
To a certain degree, the globalised world’s increasingly penetrating lense has transmogrified a deeply spiritual practice into a mere spectacle; one where the body is used, in several ways, to express grief, religiosity, political identity and, ultimately, seek redemption. Despite a great deal of religious bickering over the validity of some Ashura practices, it remains one of the most powerful symbols of unity, strength and perseverance for Shia Muslims around the world. In my attempt to use anthropology as tool for probing this ceremony, I hope I have succeeded in refraining from being sacrilegious to either anthropology or Ashura, both of which I have a great amount of respect for. 
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    Iranian poster. Text reads, "Muharram - the month when blood defeats the sword."

Works cited:
Nakash, Titzhak. An Attempt to Trace the Origin of the Ritual of Ashura. Die Welt des Islam, New Series, Vol 33, Issue 2 (November, 1993), pp. 161-181.
Farnell, Brenda. Ethno-graphics and the Moving Body. Man, New Series, Vol. 29, No. 4, (December, 1994).  pp. 929-974.
Foucault, Michel. Discipline and Punish: The Birth of the Prison. Vintage. (April, 1995)
Evans-Pritchard, E.E. The Nuer: A Description of the Modes of Livelihood and Political Institutions of a Nilotic People. OUP USA. 1987.
Chelkowski, Peter. Shia Muslim Processional Performances. The Drama Review, Vol. 29, No. 3, 1985. MIT Press. pp. 18
Geertz, Clifford. Religion as a Cultural System. New York Basic Books. (1975) p.70
Links cited:

Mohammed Hussain Fadhlullah: http://english.bayynat.org.lb/ashura/



[1] Mapping the Global Muslim Population: A Report on the Size and Distribution of the World’s Muslim Popluation.
[2] Al-Shia Fi Al Mizan, Mohammed Jawad Mughniyya, Beirut, n.d. pp. 396-97.
[3] http://english.bayynat.org.lb/ashura/
[4] http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/manchester/7634275.stm
 

Wednesday, 18 September 2013

Enforced Creativity

I remember so many random facts and incidents from my life and others’ which I’d witnessed or heard of.. It seems such a waste if I just kept them in a vault in my head. I shall post them on here and hope that, one day, I would be able to organise them and give them some semblance.. Perhaps I’ll even sketch a faint pattern of my thoughts.. What do I most think about? Whatever it is, I’m making it my aim to write about it here..

When I was 15, I was aimlessly staring at one of the mismatching bookcases that adorned our living room.. My eyes were drawn to a book in the lower shelves.. I knelt and tilted my head to the right so I could make out what it was that was tugging at my eyesight.. The cover was a 1950s shade of green.. It was a dense hardback that looked and felt like it had been read a lot.. Letters Home: Correspondence 1950-1963 by Sylvia Plath. The name sounded familiar.. I would not go so far as to say that it was an epiphany, but something came on to me and I wouldn’t put the book down. I sat on the sofa and proceeded to read.. As I found out about the author, it dawned on me that a poem of hers, Mirror, is included in the poetry anthology I was studying in English.. I was touched by her sincerity and vulnerability, though I don’t think she was conventionally vulnerable.. She wasn’t at risk of some external danger. Her world, like mine, seemed dotted with signposts, all directing her towards an impenetrable dead-end. My posthumous crush’s style was spellbinding.. I would pause and sigh at the improbability of my ever possessing skill and spirit like she did.. The authorial voice, a literary term I would later learn, was unapologetic but equally unnerved.. Her vulnerability wasn’t weakness, it was self-doubt. The question of whether or not her talent was real busied her already ceaseless mind and it pushed her senses to the precipice and, eventually, off it.

What triggered this impromptu mini essay is that in one of the letters ‘Sivvy’ wrote to her mother, she mentioned with some fervour that she would polish her work by writing 1500 words a day.. Maybe this is the kind of regime I should enforce to yield more writing.. The experience of living shouldn’t have to end before it is documented.. The more I write now, the more I can capture.. It would bring me endless satisfaction and, with some luck, it wouldn’t cost me my dear followers.. Even if it did, at least I’d have written instead of just wanting to write..

Although this post comes up to merely a third of my target word count, it’s a start. With time, my writings shall be more regular, extensive and generally better, I would hope.

Friday, 13 September 2013

A day from your adulthood..

My life changed on January 14th 2007. Months later, and days before my 19th birthday, my friend and namesake accompanied me to a hospital appointment during which I were to be given the final word on the tests I’d had over the previous number of months.
 
As we sat in front of the bald, bespectacled doctor whilst he shuffled through a thick file that contained my medical history, I looked at Mehdi and gave an awkward, expectant smile.

"All the tests have confirmed what we’d been expecting, I’m afraid."

He turned his computer monitor towards us and pointed to a picture of me that I’d never seen before.

"You can see that there are lesions here, here and here."

 As he said this, I was momentarily distracted by curiosity. My brain looks like this? And it has lesions? What the hell are lesions anyways?

 "I’m sorry to have to inform you that you have Multiple Sclerosis.”

 As though he’d rehearsed what he would do next, Mehdi grinned, shook my hand and said: "Congratulations, Mehdi.. you have an official illness!”
 We both chuckled and looked at the doctor who appeared to be slightly puzzled by our less-than-horrified reaction to the life-changing news he’d imparted.

 I had been expecting the diagnosis to be exactly what it was. Within minutes of being seen by the neurologist who first examined me almost five months prior to that day, I was informed that my symptoms are very similar to those of MS sufferers. I wasn’t shocked or upset. It was just a truth I had to come to terms with.

Though it has been almost seven years since I was diagnosed, sometimes I forget that I have a disease that’s slowly and unpredictably gnawing at my central nervous system. It has taken a significant yet hard-to-detect toll on my physical and mental abilities. I find it difficult to process slabs of information the way most people do without even trying. My brain’s wiring has been mixed up a little and I find myself pronouncing a sentence differently to how I had planned to. Eventhough the onlooker may fail to spot such linguistic lapses, I always do. If it upsets me, I pick myself up and plough on. I have no choice but to.

 Ever since I felt the very first symptoms -tingling/numbness from my chest all the way down to my toes; reduced balance, as well as a host of other strange and sporadic episodes- I’ve tried to remind myself of the importance of appreciating what I have. I had never envied the effortlessness with which people walk until I found it to be slightly -at times extremely- laborious to do so. I’ve had to adapt to living life whilst carrying a hidden hindrance that hardly anyone seems capable of understanding. 

I’m not bitter. I don’t feel like I’ve been unfairly treated by God. I don’t wish I had it any differently. In fact, I’m deeply grateful to have had the opportunity to get a fleeting glimpse of what life is really about. Disheartening though they can be, my countless hospital visits serve to remind me of the futility of materialistic possessions and wafer-thin ambitions. I stopped dreaming of cars, careers and a high credit rating, and have opted to pursue personal peace, happiness and fulfillment instead.

 My life changed on January 14th 2007.. for the better..

Friday, 9 August 2013

Good luck.. Good riddance..

Many have been the nights when I stayed awake till the early hours of the morning, mulling over the opportunities I'd missed and the abundant satisfaction I would've basked in had I exerted a little bit more effort.. If only I'd been braver, wiser, less concerned about the importance of what isn't important. I distinctly recall one such night during which I looked into the mirror for fairly long period of time, listening to the sound of my scornful, youthful voice and examining my not-so-youthful features. I berated myself for not doing enough and made a vow to turn things around. The reason behind my ceaseless self-flagellating remains a mystery.. one I'm not particularly interested in unravelling so much as I'm intent on abandoning. The reason: I'm exhausted.

I'm not a failure. Yet. It's completely within my reach to be the man I've wanted to be since I was a young, starry-eyed Harry Potter lookalike. Numerous people I've known over the years have somehow made me believe that failure is an inevitable outcome considering who I am and what I'm like. This has translated itself into how I perceive myself, my abilities and my chances of success and, ultimately, happiness. I’m not pinning all the blame for my shortcomings on others, though. I take full responsibility for being a procrastinator par excellence. Though my excuses are rife, they are genuine. I'm not merely lazy. Sometimes I'm crippled by my own thoughts and feelings towards myself and others. My mind is fraught with suspicions. These suspicions, coupled with the debilitating sense of inadequacy, make it impossible for me to get anything done. Here, I'm referring to writing. Outstanding assignments have been the hallmark of my time at university. Whilst contemporaries have gone on to complete two degrees, and despite friends' and relatives' unwavering support, I'm yet to graduate. Held back by a single essay, I feel trapped in an endless cycle of demands, expectations and the dreaded, daunting prospect of not making it. So much potential, so little achieved.

Yesterday was my 25th birthday. If I were to blow it out of proportion, I'd say it's my first real milestone. But it's not. There have been many milestones which I ought to cherish and appreciate more than a single day plucked out of a calendar – the result of sheer chance.

I should take pride in my skills and have faith in my abilities. Important as it may be, my degree does not define me. Neither does my job, nor my appearance. My single most important achievement to date is my daughter whose development and infectious smile fills me with unbounded happiness, a kind of happiness equalled by nothing. I will write more regularly. I will complete this one essay over the next few days so I can stand on a graduation podium with her. It will be for her.

As for those who I once loved and am no longer in such awe of, I am grateful for everything you represent. You’re a bitter lesson I hope to have learned: I will only pour my love at the feet of people who’ve stirred my soul. My hair is receding, my eyes are becoming panda-like, but I am more clear-headed than I have ever been in your presence. I wish you all that’s good in life. Just don’t bother enquiring as to how I’m faring. I’m better because I don’t care about you anymore.

Good luck.. Good riddance..