Friday, 12 July 2013


Every so often I declare to myself that I have enough close friends who understand my hopes, fears and anxieties. Not many people find me funny or interesting; nor am I amused, entertained or excited by the company of a great number of humans.

My 25th birthday is less than a month away and I'm already tempted to look back with a sneering, disdainful eye over the bygone quarter of a century - but that's counterproductive. Rather than doing that, I want to make my ominous birthday a cut-off point.

All those years I had put others before myself naively believing that my very own understanding of human nature would prevail and my near-obsessional doting would eventually pay off.

I’m not interested in forging strong bonds with more people because they’re bound to let me down and not reciprocate the same level of loyalty and commitment that I so willingly put forward from the moment I begin to like them.. and yet, my stubborn heart doesn’t listen to my supposedly sound rational mind’s advice: you have enough, don’t wear your heart on your sleeve for more people.. Hardly anyone cares as much as you do.

Most people will never meet my expectations because I foolishly think that my liking them means they like me just as much. I always feel shortchanged and often question myself for not seeing past their outer, shiny shells.

Most will disappoint, but those who don't will make it a price worth paying. What I've got in return from some has been infinite, invaluable and immeasurable happiness. It is because of the latter that I haven't given up entirely on the human race and am yet to seek refuge in the wilderness where I often picture myself living idyllically.

People will forever shortchange me, but that's no problem. As long as it's anticipated, it won't hurt as much. The lesson I hope to have learned is that I should always smile and be true to myself for the duration of my excursion in this desolate, fascinating and endlessly absorbing planet. Otherwise, I'd be cheating myself of the chance to be happy - and nothing matches the debilitating sadness of being disappointed in oneself.